I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
