Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
found the other keg... it's in the tree
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
