Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My balls are so social today.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize