I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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