I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
