I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
