Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i think my cat just said my name.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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