the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
