I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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