he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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