I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
even my farts smell like vagina
time to smoke my breakfast
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
