so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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