all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
