saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
