Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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