i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
