if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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