Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize