Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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