Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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