dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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