So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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