if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
