I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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