He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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