My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
