You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
