He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
