There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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