Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
