people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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