like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
