I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
