it was like his penis was on wheels.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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