its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
