I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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