We're like a lot better than the average bears
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
