one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
