im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i love accidental penises.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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