i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Randomize
