I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
