I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
