Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
