oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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