I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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