Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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