if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
