she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
