R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
