i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize