watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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