I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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